b'Ego integrationby Asma Adan If my elders are tiredneglectful, and controlling enough that I have an ego problem. of me, if I dont wantmy mother unknowingly taught me to me, then who would? sneak behind his back.Remember Prince John from DisneysI developed fears around expressing animated Robin Hood, The Evil QueenThe idea that if I couldnt see value inmyself, my presence in society, and my from Snow White and the Huntsmen, myself, then no one could possiblyemotional safety.and Lord Farquaad of Shrek.value me. This was rooted in threeThe armor I built up was to survive I unfortunately relate to them. assumptions. The first was theeveryday emotional triggers.We share traits of vanity, a desperatedesperate need for outside validation. It was to wake up everyday in the need for control, and an underlyingIf relationships and human connectionpursuit of freedom from my torment.vulnerability that drives our arrogance. were so important, then someoneBecause as childhood trauma goes, you Like them, I ooze resentment andshould have seen the value in beinghave to keep on living. What else are bitterness with a bit of cowardice andwith me. The second was terrible self- you going to do? I lived on auto-pilot, madness. I project a cold, dark shadowperception. One day I was King, spared no feelings for weak behavior on the people around me and reigning over my kingdom, prettiestand only rested to keep on moving it feel like chewing glass to be aroundgirl in the world; the next, I was theforward.such incompetent individuals. I am theworst person to ever exist, a bully,eldest. I am the first letter in thea good for nothing, unemployed,My father kept asking me to forgive alphabet. I am the leader. I am the boss. lonely weirdo. The third washim. That it was a virtue. Forgive and Like them, I ruled like a tyrant over mypreconceived notions of love. To getforget, he said. I told him he didnt domain. Lost in a life-long struggle oflove meant that you had to give love.know what he wanted me to forgive inflated self-importance, Nothing showed me or told me anyhim for. My childhood sucked.self-doubt, and insecurities thatdifferent. SoI gave my love endlesslySometimes I didnt care if some people manifested as an unhealthy ego. to prove I was a good person, thenhad it worse, to be honest. There were I let my empathy die. I couldntso many times where I cried, I dont feel Growing up I lacked the understandingunderstand until it was too late. safe! What bullshit could a therapist say of the concept of boundaries. to elevate that kind of pain?I people-pleased myself intoMy relationship with my father wasWho could understand?codependency. My negative and self- weird to say the least. I revered him. I begged the heavens for a way to help deprecating thoughts were unmatched. I was scared of him. that little girl who was depraved from I required a lot of attention andIm so much like him it hurts. the knowledge of her self to serve patience that my elders and educatorsI wanted him to be proud of me. those around her.were unable to give. I wished he liked me.Gaslighting herself to believe that she I then relied on false confidence to hideBut he didnt like anyone. needed to be more grateful for not my real feelings of inadequacy in theHe was too detached andbeing more unfortunate.face of true challenges. What I doingunpredictable to maintain aFuck no. I will not forgive and forget.was rejecting myself. relationship. He criticized everythingThe invisible childhood wounds that My core fear: unworthiness. without giving reason, people like my father tell me dont I said to myself,clearly emotionally stunted andmatter anymore, created a pattern 14SPARK 2024-25 |volume 16'